Behavioral, cultural and abnormal psychology experts from around the country were queried and tasked with developing the one testing tool that would unfailingly and repeatedly gauge the activities, interests and mannerisms of all levels of Georgers. After months of painstaking research and redundant verification trials the finished product was assembled and presented to yours truly on - fittingly enough - The Ides of March! Unfortunately, and through no fault of my own, it was destroyed in a vomit-filled St. Patrick’s Day fiasco I would no sooner like to forget ...
So I made one up.
The answer key will be posted tomorrow, along with a descriptive scoring summary guaranteed to set back your progress in therapy at least six months! We're using the Honor System (Big mistake after viewing some of the bogus profile stats some of you are sporting.), so no shouting out the answers and no rubber-necking!
The Ultimate "Where’s George?" Survey
1. I like to george because:
a. It’s a great way to get my competitive juices flowing. I want to be #1 in my state!
b. It’s a great way to forget the miserable condition of my life. I want to be left alone ...
c. It’s the only way I have of connecting with the outside world since the warden blocked access to www.mesohorny.com. I want to get a 50-state bingo in 8-to-10.
d. It’s a great way to meet new friends, and connect with people and places through something I use everyday. I want to become the "Where’s George?" equivalent of an Osmond!
2. In the pursuit of georging excellence I have:
a. Bought a stamp that would both tastefully attract attention yet minimally impact the serviceable longevity of each bill.
b. Bought several stamps and colorful markers with which I masterfully create an individual artistic design for each bill that is worthy of The Louvre.
c. Procured many stamps. Each stamp was managed from conception and design through manufacturing and testing with the capability to render a bill un-ignorable. I have never used less than five stamps on any one bill in order to extract the maximum effect in the minimal length of circulatory utilization.
d. What’s a stamp?
3. When the opportunity arises, and I am afforded an opportunity to become more involved in the workings of "Where’s George?", I want to be:
a. A forum cop
b. A Team Aqua member
c. A machine gunner on the walls keeping the Political Forum loonies away from the rest of us
d. Included in Hank’s concubine
4. Team Aqua members are:
a. Oh, wow ... like ... geez ... They’re so ... like cool, man ... I mean ... wow ...
b. The oil that makes the "Where’s George?" machine hum along so smoothly and efficiently.
c. So damn lucky. I should be one of them. Sometimes I wish I could reach through my monitor, grab one by the throat, and choke them until they turn aqua.
d. A bunch of Hank-kissers. They probably used to get beat up after school by all the "normal" kids.
5. Hank is:
a. A marvel of American ingenuity and an icon for the ethereal internet community.
b. A regular schmoe who came up with a great idea and knows how to keep it real.
c. A god. His intelligence and foresight will never be matched. But alas, his genius will never be properly awarded. I want to have his baby (or would allow my SO to do so).
d. The guy who keeps putting starch in my whites at the laundry?
6. Strap stats are:
a. A product by which FRB ordering and distribution practices and its effects on BEP printing schedules and letter series availability can be accurately projected for the entire monetary circulation system, including but not limited to the vagaries and EMS practices of the "Where’s George?" community.
b. About as interesting as Aunt Freda’s narration of her visit to her podiatrist
c. Oh, wow ... like ... geez ... They’re so ... like cool, man ... I mean ... wow ...
d. A curiosity that feeds my statistical itch.
7. "Where’s George?" geocaching is an activity that:
a. Should be added to the 2004 Olympics
b. Is a bizarre, immoral and unnatural aberration of the "Where’s George?" concept.
c. Is just an excuse to use a piece of meaningless equipment for people with too many toys and too much time on their hands.
d. A fun way to combine my love for the outdoors with this peculiar obsession to markup perfectly good currency that I can’t spend fast enough on my own.
8. "Where’s George?" geocachers should be:
a. Honored for their independent adaptation of the WG activity to their unique brand of adventuring.
b. Should be stripped naked, smeared with apricots preserves and dumped near the Amazon Fire Ants Cache.
c. Welcomed into the WG community but required to wear bright orange GEOCACHE buttons in plain sight at all times.
d. Released from the half-way house.
9. Which statement most accurately describes your views on cheating in the "Where’s George?" community?
a. If you ain’t cheatin’, you ain’t trying hard enough!
b. Disable their accounts, post their names and IP addresses.
c. Cheaters are only kidding themselves. If it’s not a game, cheating doesn’t accomplish anything.
d. Everybody with a higher hit rate than mine cheats.
10. "Where’s George?" fantasy sports leagues are a great idea because:
a. I never get enough opportunities to prove what a horrible judge of talent I am.
b. This freakin’ non-competitive WG attitude has me climbing the wall! I have to stomp somebody or my head’s gonna explode!
c. My only fantasy in ordinary life is that there’s milk left in the fridge for my cereal in the morning.
d. I’ve covered all the fantasies at www.mesohorny.com.
11. In order to get a hit during a particularly long dry spell, I would:
a. E-mail a complete stranger in the WG community and attempt to arrange an illegal, immoral, indecent and illegitimate bill entry.
b. Conduct a novena to the hit gods, while simultaneously Western Whining and Northeast Nagging.
c. Staple a georged bill to a homeless person’s forehead
d. Visit gentlemen’s clubs looking for an "exotic dancer" with internet connectivity.
12. Georgers who acquire straps and blocks at local banks are:
a. Demented control freaks
b. OCD-disabled control freaks
c. Stepford georgers
d. Enterprising, high-energy, accomplishment-oriented control freaks with OCD issues.
13. The George Store should also stock:
a. A line of "Where’s George?" command-and-conquer-style adult toys
b. Huge stuffed likenesses of George, Abe, Alex, Andy, Grant and Ben in shades of fuzzy pink
c. 25-gallon beer chests and Brookline Moonshine
d. Hardback, elaborately bound collections of Hank wisdoms, "Where’s George?" anecdotes, and roadmaps of rules, guidelines and hints for enjoying the "Where’s George?" experience
Select the statement that most closely describes your feeling, belief, opinion, prejudice and/or malady.
14. Non-georging related surveys in the "It’s a Mad x4 World" forum should be used to:
a. Weed out psychopaths attempting to land jobs at important federal government and local civil agencies.
b. Determine the standing order for admission to the top secret, government-funded Extinction of Life Interplanetary Event subterranean cave and shelter network should "The Big One" ever hit.
c. Anesthetize large zoo animals undergoing root canal
d. Test Mensa Society candidates
15. Georging-related surveys found in the Main Public Forum can be used to:
a. Determine the various viewpoints and interests of georgers participating on varying levels of play.
b. Separate the true believers from the heretics and false prophets
c. Weed out root canal candidates among large psychopathic zoo animals
d. Anesthetize Mensa Society applicants
16. The individuals in the Political Discussions Only forum should be:
a. Forced to watch looped tape replays of Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood
b. Stripped naked, smeared with apricot preserves and dumped out a 12th-story window
c. Repatriated into the Madx4 World Forum to liven up that mausoleum
d. Anesthetized using large zoo animals
17. Regional "Where's George?" fests are good for:
a. Eyeing up the competition and collecting dirty intelligence I can use to discredit those who stand in the way to my eventual "Where's George?" dominance.
b. Meeting the faces behind the names, making friends and enjoying a common fascination.
c. The cold, stark realization of what I have become.
d. An excuse to drink to excess