Share a life experience...

[Mark of the Lame responses]

Everyone has had a moment of embarrasment...share yours:Theme bodily functions gone awry.

I had one the other day...
Was sitting at a Taco Bell semi-wasteing time until a store I needed some plumbing fixtures from opened up in 20 minutes (I was only there to get out of the heat until the store opened, but bought a burrito and tea and was kinda biding my time).

So there I am sitting and eating a small early lunch when I had the feeling like I had to pass gas (I know, I am just charming the heck out of the ladies here now). I normally am pretty healthy and rarely get sick but have not been feeling well for about a week. So my stomach was semi-churny and my mental and physical focus was not working at its best.

The store only had 4 or 5 people scattered about (it was only 10:40 am) but of course I wanted to be descrete (perhaps should have stepped outside for a second--but who here really does that?) so anyways, I thought I'd let it pass quietly--my plan backfired as the plastic bench seats they use caused the sound to reverberate and amplify-- REALLY LOUD--like cartoonishly loud. I'm not kidding...the sound reminded me of an old Viking movie where one of the guys goes to the front of the rowed-ship and blows into this twisty sheep's horn and it echos down the Fjords. Brrrrrrruuuuuutttttt Brrrrrrruuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh!!!

I was totally embarrassed. Thinking quickly, I picked up my drink and it slipped from my grip. As it bagan to fall I made an extra effort to catch it--this only accelorated its fall and extended the distance of the mess. Tea splatterd all over the table and floor and onto the echo/amplification bench--way to draw additional attention to myself, huh?

For a second there, I began to hatch the idea of sticking my tongue out to the side, pulling my arms up near my chest in a kinda twisted fashion, and walking with my legs exhageratedly twisted and bent in... and then with a pronounced limping gait, calling out something like, "Ught Oaahhhhh! I droappeted my drinnk! Uguht OH...I maded a biiiiigggggg messt! Sstrombaody halp me. Ught Oahh, I droappeted it. Margarette said I coud not go out in public and she wasth prababably wirite.".

This would have offered the patrons an explanation for my uncouth behavior.

I ended up reporting the mess to the cashier who then moodily came out to clean up. I begged her to take $2.00 for the trouble I caused and appologised profusely...offered to clean it up myself. She said, "no" but her mood was improved...probably not so much for the small tip, but more so because I truely was sorry for the mess and wasn't some jerk who thinks "oh well, someone will come and clean up after me--too bad for them!"

Now your turn t share...

[Bill Stamper]

Maybe I shouldnt be posting this here and it is more of an adult forum post... Oh well, here it goes.

I had a "friend with benefits" spending the weekend one time. My friend just had received a tattoo on the arm. And at least at the time, people were putting Preparation H on their tattoos to keep them moist and to keep the swelling down. Well the Preparation H got all over my pillow the first night and I ended up getting it on my lips. Let me tell you it wasnt the greatest of experiences.

Well anyway, the time came to go to the airport and send my friend home. As we are sitting at the gate waiting, we are reminiscing about the weekend. Of course, right as there is a lull in everybody's conversations, I said in an unitentionally loud voice "I enjoyed the entire weekend except for when I got the Preparation H all over my lips."


Suddenly everyone was staring at ME! Some laughed others acted all grossed out. I died a 1000 deaths of embarassment, as did my friend. We got up and went to the snack bar for a few minutes and then returned.

[Ricky&Maggie]

LMAO...thanks guys I needed that. I thought I was the only one with "I can't believe this" days.



http://www.sancarlosvet.com/images/Funny%20Cat.jpg

[88*Keys]

I don't have a specific story, but my philosophy of belching is the old classic, "Better out than in." That's not the standard outlook for most conservative-looking thirty-something ladies, so I have gotten the odd look here and there. Really, though, there are few things (at least that you can do in public) more satisfying than a good, rumbling BUUUUURRRRRPPPPP after a can of root beer.

Your story about the spilled soda reminded me of another funny one, though. (Well, it probably was less funny for my aunt, but oh well.) My mom's brother has no pride whatsoever, and is one of those people who is physically just funny to watch -- he seems to have a few too many joints, he can make really funny faces, and he can suck his stomach in almost to his backbone or blow it out until he looks like he's about seven months along. Well, his wife and my parents were out getting pizza once, and he started carrying on about something or other that he wanted to do after dinner. My aunt said no, and he started making this loud moaning and groaning sound. My parents were cracking up and my aunt was only mildly amused, and she eventually decided to nip it in the bud by moving to another table.

Bad move. My uncle then threw himself bodily out of the booth and onto the floor, where he proceeded to pull himself along with his arms, his torso and legs dragging along behind him, moaning and wailing the whole way over to their new table.

I never heard whether he won that argument or not, but I don't seem to remember my parents going out with them much after that...

[Hikini]

I have been laughing my head off reading these posts! I have too many of these kinds of stories to share. I don't know why bodily function stories amuse me so much, but somehow everyone has caught on and whenever my birthday rolls around I get fart cards for my birthday!

Here's a quick one: I was in a Hallmark card shop one day. I was looking at cards and to my left there was an older couple. The woman was looking at cards, but the man was just looking bored. He was standing in the aisle staring off into space when he let a fairly big fart. Without batting an eye, and without bothering to be quiet, his wife hollers out at him, "IF YOU'RE GOING TO PASS GAS DON'T STAND BY ME!!!" I had to leave the aisle because I was too impossibly close to bursting out laughing!

[Mark of the Lame responses]

What!!!? Only 4 responses...you people have to have bodily functions! Ca' mon! post an embarrassing moment!

[$hady]

I have suppressed all embarassing moments into my subconcious.

[Melly French]

Okay Mark, I will indulge you! Well I hate to admit this, but I am a frequent farter!! I am pretty controlled at work. But one time I was really holding them back all day. When we headed outside (my preschool class) I was looking forward to being able to let them fly! Well my one little friend was feeling down in the dumps and didn't have anyone to play with. I didn't realize she was tagging along behind me, rather closely, untill it was too late. At her height, her poor little face was directly in the line of fire. It was a doosy b/c I had held it back for a while! SHe let out a little giggle and a smile. I was glad she didn't pass out!

[Sir William]

I was shopping with my wife and as normal I was about 20 feet ahead of her. She called me and asked me to come get something off a shelf for her. She pointed at what she wanted then quickly left me. As I was reaching up for the item a god awful smell started to gap me. I quickly looked in the direction of my wife and realized by her smile,she had set me up. I hollered at her and asked her if something had crawled up her and died. Then I heard this little old lady behind me say I should be ashamed of myself trying to blame my wife for something I did. But, as they say ""Pay back is hell" and I have got her back a couple of times.

[Rich the Mixologist]

I have plenty of stories of my own bodily misadventures but I'd like to share this one which had a few people at the bar cracking up!
This twenty-something couple sat down at the bar and ordered 2 beers. The guy was of an average build and the girl was petite. After about 5 or 10 minutes they ordered another round. I pour the beers, take the money and walk up to the register to make the sale. Just then from behind me comes a belch that would wake the dead. I swing around and it's the girl who has a hand clamped down over her mouth and is quickly turning red. The very first thing that popped into my head was a line from the South Park movie so I said to no one in particular in a loud voice "That sounds like a giraffe dying over there!" The boyfriend started laughing along with a few other patrons and the girl just turned redder. I told the girl that I was just playing with her and she took it in stride, I actually got a good tip from them!!

[Lisa in Delaware]

This happened to my husband just the other night!

My husband and I were coming out of the YMCA and just as we get to the car, he decided to let one go as he was opening the car door..It was loud (and I presume) smelly LOL. Unbeknownst to him at the time, but he realized this after he got in our car, there was a man sitting in a car next to us, with his window down. My husband essentially farted in this man's FACE!
The man didn't say anything and drove off, but he SURE HAD A WEIRD EXPRESSION on his face! (from the smell?!?!:rolleyes: )

[Mark of the Lame responses]

More stories...I demand more embarrasing stories! Now dambit!

[Andy from Lakewood]

I once worked in an office that was attached to a shopping mall (Tower City Center for those of you who know Cleveland). On bad weather days, I would eat my lunch in the food court of the mall. To get there from my office, I had to go down an elevator, walk down a hallway, then go down two escalators. Like Mark, I went to Taco Bell. It usually has a bad effect on me, but I enjoy the cheap food. I had my customary four tacos and a large Mountain Dew. Lots of stuff gurgling in the stomach....

I was riding up the first escalator and I farted LOUDLY. I couldn't control it. This lady who was standing behind me on the escalator took it right in the face. I didn't turn around or apologize, I was too embarrassed and trying not to laugh at the same time.

So I got off the escalator and got on the second escalator. The same lady got on a few steps behind me. The second fart was louder than the first. This time I couldn't resist and I turned around. Her face was white and I thought she was going to vomit.

See ya in Vegas, Mark!

[Chicken Hawk]

My dad was a Beavis and Butthead kind of guy when it came to farts. Heh heh, you farted. I know he would be cracking up at this thread so I decided to post.

Dad died of Leukemia in 1999. Just before he died, we were all gathered in the hospital with him. If you've ever been on "the vigil," you know how tense and depressing the room can get and how serious some people can be. It was very hard to watch a man who was always as big as a bear shrink in stature and will. I was standing next to his bed rubbing lotion on his hands when I felt the big one coming on...you know the one...the kind of fart that you are not exactly sure what will be at the end of the rainbow! Now a sane person would have walked away from all the family and friends who sat silently praying for a miracle. However, I am far from sane even on my best day and this was not a good day so I decided to present Dad with a "lovely parting gift." I said something along the lines of "Dad, there's something I've been meaning to say" and everyone leaned in a little closer to hear what I would say. I turned around and ripped off a healthy slice of cheese right at Dad. My sister's were appalled! My mother, disgusted. The kids giggled a bit. But Dad laughed a laugh that we hadn't heard in months and said "Heh heh, good fart, Lisa. good one."
A few hours later he lapsed into a coma and passed the next morning. I like to think I sent him off with a bang.:o

[Blackjack Charlie]

About 10 years ago I applied for a job as a cashier at an AM/PM convenience store. The heavy-set manager interviewed me in her office, and when she went to sit down, the wheeled office-chair she was attempting to sit in went flying out from under her. She landed hard on her ass, and at the moment of impact, a steady stream of intestinal gas was released from her. One of those lengthy, rhythmic Mexican-food farts. Sounded like an old tractor in the distance. Without batting an eye, she set the chair back upright, sat down and announced that she had been "really tired" lately. I guess so!

Needless to say, I got the job, probably because I maintained my compusure throughout the entire spectacle.

[Heather]

My sister almost died on an airplane coming from Vegas to Pittsburgh (she's diabetic). The pilot almost had to re route the plane to land in Texas but thankfully my mother had her emergency glucogon shot with her and gave her the shot. She had a grand mal seizure because of low blood sugar.

[Mark of the Lame responses]

My sister almost died on an airplane coming from Vegas to Pittsburgh (she's diabetic). The pilot almost had to re route the plane to land in Texas but thankfully my mother had her emergency glucogon shot with her and gave her the shot. She had a grand mal seizure because of low blood sugar.

Whoa! Way to bring the thread down there, Heather.

I hope your sister came out of the experience okay...and if she did, you are now required to share a bodily function story that will amuse me. I decree it. (takes grape in mouth from servant, and signals with a hand gesture and a clap for unic slave to bring over Melly French...for she amuses me.)

It has been written...I am prepared to give positive reps if your story makes me smirk (normally, the requirement is a LOL--but in this case, I shall make an exception)

[Doug in Salem]

I ended up reporting the mess to the cashier who then moodily came out to clean up. I begged her to take $2.00 for the trouble I caused and appologised profusely...offered to clean it up myself. She said, "no" but her mood was improved...probably not so much for the small tip, but more so because I truely was sorry for the mess and wasn't some jerk who thinks "oh well, someone will come and clean up after me--too bad for them!"

Now your turn t share...



Were they marked bills???

[Doug in Salem]

Ok, I'll share.

When I was in college I was walking along with my girlfriend at the time and somehow we got on the topic of farting. I firmly stated I would not be the first to fart. She laughed. Anyway, some time later (don't remember how long, it may have been that night or several weeks) we were in the school library and I had to let one go. But I was really trying to hold it in. As luck would have it it didn't stay in... the chairs didn't help much either, solid wood. Man, this one was loud, it reverberated like the bass of teenager's car. We were the only two in this particular room. We both started laughing. And to this day she still puts up with me as she has been my wife for over six years.

[Doug in Salem]

Your story about the spilled soda reminded me of another funny one, though. (Well, it probably was less funny for my aunt, but oh well.) My mom's brother has no pride whatsoever, and is one of those people who is physically just funny to watch -- he seems to have a few too many joints, he can make really funny faces, and he can suck his stomach in almost to his backbone or blow it out until he looks like he's about seven months along. Well, his wife and my parents were out getting pizza once, and he started carrying on about something or other that he wanted to do after dinner. My aunt said no, and he started making this loud moaning and groaning sound. My parents were cracking up and my aunt was only mildly amused, and she eventually decided to nip it in the bud by moving to another table.


Now when you say "joints" exactly what do you mean? ;)

You should bring him to a gathering!

[Mr. G.]

No farting involved, but still pretty embarassing.

When I was student-teaching, one of my classes was a freshman English class. Good kids, but none too mature.

The school I was working in had a kind of 'casual Friday' policy, and we'd all wear blue jeans to welcome the weekend. Anyway, as I was walking into class one day, I stepped aside to let somebody pass through the door the other way. My back pocket must have caught on the doorframe somewhere, becuase as I stepped forward, I heard a loud rrrrrrrrrrrip! Fortunately, my cooperating teacher was there, so I could flee and find some new pants!

How em-bare ass-ing!

--Mike

[Floyd]

I remember when I was 9 years old and my dad took me to a movie. There was a scene in the movie where a deer was dying because he was being killed by a forest fire. My dad had tears coming down his face. I have never seen him so emotional in my life. I told him that it is okay. He said son it is a real shame to have all that good venison go to waste!

[Melly French]

Whoa! Way to bring the thread down there, Heather.

I hope your sister came out of the experience okay...and if she did, you are now required to share a bodily function story that will amuse me. I decree it. (takes grape in mouth from servant, and signals with a hand gesture and a clap for unic slave to bring over Melly French...for she amuses me.)

It has been written...I am prepared to give positive reps if your story makes me smirk (normally, the requirement is a LOL--but in this case, I shall make an exception)

If farting amuses you, than I am your women!! Give me a day or two to go through my fart file and maybe I can give you another story!

[Sokman]

I was talking dirty to a girl on the phone one night. I was really getting into it, but was occasionally confused by the muffled sounds from the other end of the phone. I finally realized I was on speaker phone! When she realized she was busted, she informed me that her sister, a friend, & HER MOM were listening as well. I never called her back, but did date (http://69.42.87.204/cgi-bin/ezlclk.fcgi?id=6718) her friend a couple times afterwards.